You're At Home Your Phobia

You're at home your phobia
Keeps you in the dark
Would you have gotten on the boat
If faggot Moses built the Ark
Looking for the beauty
That you try to kill by hunt
And try to take the magic
From a lovely word like cunt

Who Am I (Summer '98)

Braggart artist liar lover leaver liver sailor something unforgiven
Small tall unforgiving harsh practical ambitious ambiguous bigger
Than the smallest giant smaller than the biggest midget beautiful
Harmonious trembling intelligence impractical incapable un-mechanical
Monastic scholastic anti-gymnastic frozen tight always on the
Verge of being broken into tiny little perfect pieces which
I'll put right back together, un-unified, anti-disestablishment's worst
Nightmare a fucking jigsaw a glued together vase sickly
Yet strong tired untiring addicteetotaler extreme no in between
Father laugher athlete actor singer songwriter keep writing
Who I am but never touch the core something evil something
Blank something unrestrained and fierce something gentle in
Nature without desire to be gentle no quarter murderer I'd
Have been a crazy king or ballsy peasant fear I'd be
Just another middle-class middle ager retentive female angry
Angry oh so angry all the time and self-directed too
It starts with me gets put on you because I know you're
Really just like me - ruthless unstoppable and resilient
Hopeless and dreaming spent and untapped never recapped
Beyond humanity and behind myself no memory not an elephant
A forgetter of the most important things a dropper
A drinker a smoker a healer - that's not true a talker
A thinker an over-examined blind man a body
Least of all a body a boy

confession redux 07/?/97

During his sermon the following week
The preacher found he couldn't speak
The widow stared at him
As his skin went gray

Behind him sat the altar plain
It shamed him but it kept him sane
The bread would never taste the same

The wine, being blood, never changed.

Can't Get Out Of This Old Bed 07/07/95

Can't get out of this old bed
Got a sick and dirty feeling
Down down in my second head

I'm Leaving The Priesthood

I'm leaving the priesthood
I am denouncing the order
I have found my own way

Denounce is such a strong word
So much I still believe
So many voices that I never heard
The silence in the trees is not
The reason that I leave

It's my heart
It beats so loud
Against these solid walls
I wore loose clothing
For years
To muffle its calls

I Ran From The Embassy

I ran from the embassy
In studied panic
Let myself be followed
By mustachioed Hispanics
Found the trap door at the dead end
Left communiques for Mr. Grieves
To divert his steady gaze
And then I vanished through a duct
Into the night

And now I'm having fits and starts
I'm sweating in my anonymity
I'm drinking tea with ice
That doesn't cool me down
I've got whiplash from sitting still

Disenchanthem

When I hear my mother call me
Down for breakfast do I get up?
No I get mad I get mad
Don't let them drag you from your room
But most of all don't let them drag you down

When my father tells me that I
Must rake the lawn that he just mowed
I say No Way! I say No Way!

Confession 03/06/97

Reverend Randall Brown
Clasped his hands over his gown
Heard the widow Johnson start to pray

He could smell her through the screen
Her eyes were dark and green
And he told himself
He wouldn't look today

She said, 'Father I have sinned'
Then bit back on her grin
'I wonder how the
Lord will make me pay.'

The Reverend heard the silk
Soft as lips to mother's milk
And forgot his vow
To quickly look away

He said, 'Go on my child'
In a voice both hard and mild
And felt the angels
Look the other way

She leaned her head against the wall
Let her breath, lord, rise and fall
'I lust after the Lord
Both night and day'

The Reverend Randall Brown
Slid his hands beneath his gown
Heard the widow writhing where she lay

He offered her no penance
Kept the Lord out of her sentence
Knew he'd burn
Because he wanted her to stay

His heart greener than her flashing eyes
His fevered prayers her heaving sighs
How that tiny booth
Began to sway

Looks like God put another quarter in the slot
Turning up the heat
He likes it hot
Pretty soon the lightning bolts
Thunder jolts
And rain begins to fall

To Those Who Stand On Hills To Watch The Sky (Orleans)

To those who stand on hills to watch the sky
Who empty out their eyes upon the night
And hold their fears up to their necks so tight
So as not to try and grasp what's going by

To those who would keep up with all the clouds
Who laugh at storms that kill them by and by
And leave us but to simmer and to sigh
Dodging all their bloody dropping shrouds

To those who keep one foot upon the height
Who keep the other firmly in the crowd
And let just only one eye be endowed
With the gleaming glitter all-encompass light

To all of these I try
To show them what I might
That lack of darkness isn't light
To be dead is just to die
To those who stand on hills to watch the sky
A blind man can still stare
A dead man can still fall

Slip That Strapless Dress Off Of The Hanger (Spring 1993)

Slip that strapless dress off of the hanger
Slide it on your shoulders bare
Ease yourself out of the twisting day
Sink back into my blue chair

Push that woven hair behind your ears
See it push back out of line
Let it dangle in front of your eyes
Do you know that you are mine?

Split that fortune cookie into two
And take a good stiff of your drink
Hold the paper 'tween your fingernails
What do you think that I think?

Take a bite of your slithery shrimp
Feel it tickle right down your tongue
Put the fortune between the napkin and the crumbs
What a beautiful day to get stung

Lower your body back in your bed
Soaked both in body and in mind
Close your eyes to my perpetual stare
And I will do as well, the same, in kind

It's Trickling, Yes, It's Trickling Down (1993)

It's trickling yes it's trickling down
Flushing through your heart
And each time that you finish
You are right back at the start
There's a question for each answer
There's a hole that opens wide
And though it's rocky rough terrain
Your feet begin to glide glide glide
Gliding very softly but the ride it bumps and jars
And you hang on for dear life
As if you were a star
Dying in the sky but your light is shining shine
It grows darker as the dead light comes
And it's hard to see the line
It's hard to see the line
You want so badly not to cross
And you find the point again
Where what you gain meets what you've lost
A clown car empties and is
Filling at one point an intersect
A ring of circles all entwined that still cannot connect
Connected strongly by a rope that grows ever thin
And it unravels all around
Weaving a haystack full of pins
It is hard not to find one
Even though the light's so bad
And the prick points on your hidden hands
They don't hurt they make you glad

Keep some cards to yourself
Which ones do you play?
Have your money ready
Win or lose you've got to pay

The Woman Who Lost My Soul For Me (Spring 1993)

The woman who lost my soul for me
Says how she sailed it on the seven seas
To find it tied right to the mast again

She who sank my ship from its soul
Then fished it out of the glowing fish bowl
Reel it in with the strength of seven men

The woman who spoke with my own tongue
Says she licked the mirror as it hung
So she could know what I would taste in her

She whose mind curled round my hand
She who swims on my dry land
She who knows the color of my fur

Dilemma That You Crave (Spring 1993)

Driven toward the break though
That is all you fear
Attracted to the flame just like
The moth that flies so near
Held down by the gaze of headlights
Frozen eye can't break the grip
Like the faucet in your kitchen
A constant drip drip drip
Dripping of the sweat as it slides
Down your back like a second spine
And how it drives you to the ground
While your eyes they shine and shine
You think that you can't take it
Then you ask for more
As if you were a whale the first
To crash upon the shore

Can you climb that rock it doesn't
Matter I must try
Can I swim that river do I
Talk do I fly?
But all along the nagging goes the
Fear it won't subside
And it eats you as you roar and choke
Smashing free and still you're tied
Your stomach falls your head goes blank
You're stopped and in fifth gear
Your thoughts are jumbled all sky-high
Yet everything is clear
I am this awful thing that's happened
I am a bad thing that you save
Yet you smell it and you taste it
The dilemma that you crave

The Ashes Dropped Back Into The Back Seat

The ashes dropped back into the back seat
Then blew out into the wind
Blew out into the wind

The water comes rising up
Floating over the ground and the
Whitecaps glisten in the winter sun
An unfrozen thrashing crown
She hit the dock and cocked the
Gun and shot it at the sky
Stared out at the salt and spray
And said all her good byes

The sun went down on the cooling hood
The blood began to dry
The blood began to dry

Stopped for a while to get myself riled
To marvel at her guile
To thrill before her wile

I drive down this road and I light one up
I light one every mile
The ashtray is a pile

Toot her own horn not really her style
She was famous for her smile
Famous for her smile

Mass Hysteria (Ralph Nader And The People Of NIMH) 10/20/87

Somewhere I can see a ship
That don't carry contraband
And mines that only produce my gold
Not blow up in my hand
There's broccoli that hasn't been
Sprayed by chemicals
And ceilings - oh the ceilings
That don't smell of asbestos
I can see the shit
That don't seep through my pipes
I can see a baby
Washed in acid handiwipes
Tylenol with Cyanide
What a lovely treat
And Ralph Nader maniacally sweeping cigs
Into my hot dog meat
Potato in your tailpipe
A condom on your dick
Detergent in my lemonade
Go on boy take a sip
Fence between our yard
Making sure we keep apart
Lovely lovely cholesterol
Racing through your heart
Give cancer to the rats
So we don't get it ourselves
Straight jacket for a crazy mouse
Locked in a padded cell
Maze with electric shock
Try to get out my front door
Touch my paw up to the lock
Fall twitching to the floor

spackle (interiors) (1993)

The wallpaper curls from the walls
Stains that look like coffee between cracks of plaster split
A chair torn by feline claws
Stuffing from torn fabric frayed spills forth in dusty spit
Wicker basket heaped with laundry
Sideboards pry from wall and fall because of lacquered grit

That has petrified and fossilized
Cemented to the core
Gratified and codified
Cemented like the shore
Of a frozen lake that's realized
That being frozen is a bore (the tide can never rise)

The dishes tower dirty still
Specks that cling to ceramic mountains in fear of drains
The water clouds out of the tap
Baptizing these survivors in sullen lukewarm rains
That leave just the cups and dishes
Spots that smell like paper cuts and broken hearts and strains

That have atrophied and withered down
And grown back just as strong
Black and yellows gone right back to brown
And has it really been that long
Since honesty has caused your face to frown
The walls just seem so wrong
I know that lakes can drown

Green Derbys And Diamond Tears 05/12/89

Jesus wore a felt Green Derby
And played a mean game of shuffleboard
He said as he drank his Long Island Iced Tea,
'Could you pick sumpin up for me, when ya go ashore?'
Well, he always pulled this kinda shit
So I cautiously agreed
He gave me money to buy him some smokes
And an album by Lou Reed
Then he said he was goin up to the Limbo Deck
To talk to his Old Man
And he said, 'Don't tell him bout this,
Keep it quiet if you can?'
So I flew down to Earth
Coz I also had things to do
There's a boy in Jersey that I look after
And he looks a lot like you
But I brought back the things he wanted
Found him by the tennis court
The drink was different - the glass about as empty
And he looked mean and short
He said, 'Well thank you Bren for buying this for me
Though I don't know why I bother
Coz I heard it when Lou wrote it
And the smokes? Well my father
He says he made that stuff
For fools without a backbone
And liquor's for the saddened crowd
Who haven't built a home
And Dad says, 'Rock n roll?'
Jesus, I just don't know where to start
It's the first thing ever I didn't create
And now its stole your heart.'
And Jesus looked at me sadly
Looked for an answer in my eye
Coz he knew he'd live forever
But now he wanted to die
So he took off his derby
Which he had worn so many years
And held it underneath his chin
To catch his diamond tears
And he said, 'Well I'll be here y'know
If you wanna give me a call
But you better call me quickly
Coz I'm headin for a fall.'

Journeyman Of Charades 05/01/89

He found himself cryin one day and he asked himself why
But he didn't have an answer so he began to dry
His eyes dabbing away with a handkerchief
And soon he found to his ultimate relief

That he wasn't really living but only pretending
To live the life of misery he loved so much
He wasn't really cryin but just approximatin
What it'd feel like if he ever felt a human touch
Journeyman of Charades

Wally Pipp stepped out one day coz his head wasn't feelin too hot
Lou Gehrig stepped in for the next 2130 and Wally never got back his spot
Just like the Journeyman who never got to be in
The poker game of life and use his poker grin
To fool you into thinking he thought he was real
But he knew the truth whenever he tried to feel
His life was a black and white that got colorized
All the colors look so pretty but they just don't feel that right
Sittin way out in the bleacher seats watchin the game of love
Getting splashed with beer from the guy sittin right above
Once I tried to play but I could never make the grade
So now all I can be is the Journeyman of Charades

Chain Smoked

She bought the car on Saturday
And took it for a ride out to
Cutter's Point and Fisher Road
And then she sat and cried
With the top rolled back and her hand on the dial
Sunglasses glaring into rear view
If this is how you picture her
She'll always look at you

The song had changed and the sun was gone
The air had started to chill
The bird flew over the hill

The cloud went by it looked like a dog
The mack truck shivers by
the shimmer shines to the sky

She starts the car a while on
And rolls off of the sand
Heading south to Harper's Bay
With the handgun in her
Pocketbook on top of Camel Lights
A hammer and some nails
With two bullets resting
And ready to set sail

The lighter came up and started the smoke
Started streaming from her lips
They were double plated nickel tips

On Being Taken Down A Peg (2000)

When forest fires burn your table legs
And you vacuum up a rock slide every day
And you are the name that follows hurricane
And the sound of keys are enough to make you say,
'I rattle my cups on topless bars.'

Exiled by your image, imprisoned by remembrance
And scars are not the badges they once were
And you cannot break your sword upon the rug
And you think and shudder as you shave your fur,
'I work my body like I work on cars.'

You wrestle your demons just for fun
But they are demons nonetheless
they hold you from all that you would affirm
They subvert you from your yes

When tidal waves splash on your bathroom floor
And you brush a steaming banquet from your mouth
And your knave says, 'Dress yourself I'm not your slave'
And your fork is scraping glaciers to the south
You say, 'I've seen a kingdom fall.'

Shaken to a stillness, stirred without a spoon
And you squeeze a cloud to quench your raging thirst
And you are the same who dropped your pants in Boston
You're the kind who scores wile leading off of first
You say, 'I didn't know I'd hit the ball.'

You Still Thrill Me (Summer 1994)

You still thrill me
It still kills me
It still shakes me to my toes

You still still me
You could kill me
It will thrill me to my toes

It still fills me
It still kills me
You thrill still my little soul

I Do (Summer 1994)

When I made that wrong turn oh so long ago
I thought that I could find the road again
Now it's three years past since I kissed you
But we still talk now and then
And you might not think of me at night
Or wish that things could change
Or lie a little to your friends
Or linger too long in the rain
But I do I do I do

I don't know why I know your number still
Or why your street signs still remain
I only saw them but once you'd think it all would fade
I don't know why but I haven't changed
You know every street that I have ever walked
But you don't know me anymore
I know I shouldn't wake from dreams of you
I shouldn't feel like such a whore
But I do I do I do

Do you think we'll be together
Do you think that it's too late
Do you think that it's forever
Do you think that it is fate
Do you think that you could love me
Do you think I could be true
I do I do I do

Mr. McGregor (1993)

If Mr. McGregor find out what you done
Peter Rabbit you better run
Something's on the tip of your tongue
Peter Rabbit shout at the top of your lungs

Mr. McGregor done caught you with your carrot in hand
Floppy tailed ears dropping in the sand
Brushing pollen flower stamens life is grand
Poor Mr. McGregor he don't understand

'Don't you Peter Rabbit know that you'll go blind
With hair growing from your palms oops I mean paws
All the while gnawing on her vegetable rind
Peter Rabbit don' you know the law?'

This Is It (Tasted) 10/23/87

Cut upon my wrist
Is telling me what has occurred
The look upon your face
Is telling me what you have heard

Using all my energies
To try and write a note
Honey it's not your fault
Is all I ever wrote
Blood upon the pages
Keeps me from making sense
And that pit inside my stomach
Grows more and more immense

I just wanna go
This is it this is it
Please just let me go
This is it this is it

A festival of colors
I see only black and white
My mind is slipping from me
Sliding off into the night
The television calls me
Come on and turn the dial
This channel's overloaded
By at least a country mile
My hand is on the phone
Dial the number 911
In 10 minutes they were here
And now I never see the sun

I just wanna go
This is it this is it
Please just let me go
This is it this is it

Questions and Wishes 11/08/89

Is this merely skin?
Are you simply flesh?
Do limbs add up to more than a body?
Does sex add up to less than love?

I wish I was a cave woman so
You could drag me around by my hair
That would be so simple
But my hair is just too short

Is this a grand charade?
Are we screaming at a wall?
Does the soul need sex to fill its void?
Does the mind need love to purge the soul?

I wish I was a male Black Widow so
You could drag me down to death
That would be so easy, so concrete
But it's not that easy for us

Is this small talk too big?
Are the limits much too wide?
Does my love give you license to hurt me so?
Or is that what love is all about?

I wish you were a tabloid newspaper so
You could drag my name through the mud
But that would be too boring and too dry
Because you're the one with all the secrets

Is that my face you see?
Are these my hands you feel?
Your soul has filled its void and
Your mind has purged our love

Back Into Dreamland 10/02/89

Well I was grounded in reality
For the longest time
But I lost my nerve only yesterday
I think I've lost it for good
I watched a performance artist
Kick himself for laughs
And he bruised just like the rest of us
Just like I knew he would
I'm getting out of here
I'm getting out fast
I'm going someplace cold and white
Dreamland here I come
I hope that you're not there
When I arrive
I hope I'm all alone
I hope that you can't find me either
I'm going back to Dreamland
I looked into her eyes the other day
It sent me screaming into the black
What was there was just as bad
But I'm never going back
I'm gonna stay right here in Dreamland
So get out of my face and off my back

Sleep Joins Us 10/27/89

My hand slides up your stomach
And between
Slowly
Softly to the right
To the left
Lingering

My hand reaches the base of your neck
Fingers apart
Gently
Slowly to your cheek
Feel the heat
Smoldering

Your lips on my ear
Breathing smoothly
Softly
You whisper
'I love you'

Sleep joins us and we dream of what we do
When we're awake

On Green Grass Poems (Green Grass # 2) 01/23/89

I was hangin out on the quad one night
As drunk as I could be
When a girl who looked like Jerry Lewis
Came up and started talking to me
'I've written a poem 3 pages long'
She proudly declared
Immediately I hated her guts
A poet and a drunkard - gosh a mighty what a pair
'It's called Green Grass' she whine
'And it has all that you lack'
I guess she meant I had no tits
Or drawers and drawers of sweaters all black
I held my beer in soiled repose
And tries so hard to reply
I couldn't so I puked on her
Black shirt - no word of a lie!

Baby Cakes 02/15/89

Baby cakes don't you let it all down
Baby cakes don't you let it all down
You got your red hair shining
And your black eye blue - don't let it down
Coz I'm a gonna have you
Don't let it down baby cakes
Coz I got a case of the Joe LeDuc shakes
I shook so hard - shook right out of my shoe
I'm a gonna shake on over to you
Baby cakes don't you let it all down
Baby cakes don't you let it all down
You got your raccoon jacket
And your shiny pearls
You saw the convertible Jag
Your eyes were big green swirls
Don't let it down my honey bunch
Let's got to Antipastos share some lunch
We'll eat and talk till our faces are blue
I'll get the check coz I'm a gonna have you

Letter To Myself 03/20/89

Once again I must channel anger into silence,
Silence into smile and smile into love,
But the clenching teeth no longer want
To stop their gnashing fury
Pounding pillows in the morning at the thought
Of the dreary day above.
A memory will surface causing a flashback
Of emotion - I never took acid because I
Knew how it would feel to have the anger
Flow back in as easily as making love and
Know that the rising tide does not
have an ebb or fall.
The flashback will continue, coloring
My life that day until the older feeling
Becomes a part of my life again. So I live
A treadmill life where things come round
And round and round and yet they're
Different every time because in some way
I've moved on.

Horses And Dogs 02/27/89

Well, you got any bright ideas?
Coz I sure as hell don't
If you say you do I won't believe you
Don't think I'll get any either coz I sure as hell won't
I'm sorry if I let you down kid
I guess I don't take pressure well
Hey please give me some advice
You go it? Oh do tell
Stuck between a rock and a bitch
Squeezing all the right places
Her caress was like a slamming door
Got some mileage from her graces
With friends like that who needs a flesh wound?
And one in the hand is worth a shot in the mouth
Here we go! Joyride of emotions
Steal just a tiny bit from me
Take it out - drive it hard
Returned eventually
Well did no harm right?
I got it all back in the end
Just a couple tire treads
And the massive fender bends
You can take a horse to water
But you can't make her think
Give an inch she'll take a bloody marathon
Make you run it then not give you a drink
That girl has got a heart of gold
And soon her liver too
Coz she's got to have it all right?
She'll get it all from you
All men created equal
All the women scoff and sneer
They know what a load of crap that is
And we all know that they smell fear
That girl has got a heart of gold
Plated as her teeth are too
Her bark is much better than her bite
Coz then she ain't touching you
3 up 3 down a double header many more to come
She's got one bit stinkin part that destroys her total sum

Smoke Rings Of The Chameleon 04/07/89

Looking for attention, he stared around the almost empty room
As he let the smoke escape from his knife-like nose
He saw her glancing at him and he knew he had her cold
She didn't even have the time just to suppose
He stamped the life out of the cigarette butt
And he came right at her oh so very hard
And before she could even take a single tiny breath
He turned her sullen eyes to shiny shards
She thought that she had finally escaped all of the pain
Just as the smoke escaped from his bright plastic face
But the smoke had built a cloud from which she could not be free
He destroyed her with efficiency and grace
He left her in the room where he had had her oh so cold
He lit one up as he walked calmly out the door
Her clothes were stained with ashes and her mouth was filled with butts
Shiny shards went back sullen as she knew happiness no more
Much later on they met in a room much like the first
He blew smoke at her and thought he caused her pain
Slowly she looked at him her eyes gleaming with a joy
And she laughed as she won back all of his gains
A chameleon with women he turned a color quick
But he never had a color of his own
So the garments of affection that he'd weave were always thin
And they frayed to nothing soon after being sewn
She had learned the way to weave a thinner garment thick
Her beauty had not withered but had grown
She had wiped away the soot of his lipless lifeless grin
And dispersed the cloud his sickly wind had blown
Then she took the smoke he hissed at her and turned it into rings
That she wove around her fingers til nothing else remained
But a green tinted copper jewel with specks of smoky gray
That she rubs each day as a reminder that she's escaped all of the pain

Vanity Fare 02/01/00

I'm finally losing my hair
I can rid myself of all of that
Vanity fare

Catching my reflection
In the parked car window's glass
I see only my face
Not the girl catching my pass

Michael Jackson's wrong
I'm stopping with the mirror man
I'm looking at the world
I''m just a guy I don't have any fans

I'm finally losing my hair
I can rid myself of all of that
Vanity fare

Instead
Why don't you
Run your fingers
Through my brain
It's only gray matter
Trapped in my skull
But it's got a lion's mane
It's got a lion's mane

100,000,000 MPH 02/01/00

You go 100,000,000 miles per hour
I stand so still I watch you fly so high
When you'd stop I'd feel like I was dying
Now I've started and I feel alive

You are a splash way out above the horizon
I squint my eyes before I know you're seen
I shut my eyes so I can see you better
I fall asleep so I can send you dreams

Speeding Ticket Blues (Fall 1987)

Goin to court, gotta pay that fine
I'll be back in there yeah double time
There's a snag - he didn't read my rights
Now I can still go party on Friday night
Oh yeah - I'm out
Oh yeah - That's it
Oh yeah - Good bye
Coz I don't give a shit
Flashing lights signal my demise
And the siren wails like a baby cries

Test Pattern (Kim # 3) 11/16/88

Sit in a chair in the corner of the room
Wait for company
Crying coz you know it'll never come
It sure as hell won't be me
Tears runnin down your hard pretty face
Wipin them away
Runnin down the street from you girl
Look for another day
One - I am tired of this
Two - I'm tired of you
three - what else is there to say?
Four - I'm crying too
Lying in bed in the corner of the room
Know that I'm alone
The test pattern is screaming at me
Do not hear the phone
Wrestled out of a dream that you were in

Odd Man Out (Kim # 2) 11/?/88

Robert Newton called me up today
Told me to leave you alone
I told him I enjoyed his performance
And then I hung up the phone
I cannot stay away
I cannot stay away
Harold Pinter told me yesterday
That I was making a big mistake
Then I wrote him a letter with a lot of pauses
And I told him to give me a break
I cannot stay away
I cannot stay away
But tomorrow I'm gonna call you
And try to erase my doubt
But you have someone on the other line
And I'll be the Odd Man Out
I cannot stay
I cannot stay
Not stay away from you
Her fair fell in her face again
Robert Newton doesn't care
Coz when she goes back to her room again
There is no one there
I cannot stay
I cannot stay away
Is this a waste of time a waste of breath?
Harold asked me today
I told him it was too early to tell
Time is short and breath is too
So don't pause your life away

Shards (Kim # 1) 11/?/88

This moment isn't going right
I've got to change it if I can
This is one knock I didn't anticipate
And I can't take it like a man
You shoulda left those glass shards in my hand
It gave me something to think about
I keep remembering you callin me honey
As you tried to pry them out

Yet 11/23/88

I looked under my bed this morning
This time the floor was bare
But usually when the dawn arrives
There is a little something there
Maybe it'll be a field mouse
Without its skinny tail
There's always something missing
Always. Never fail.
Maybe I'll have had a dream
About sex that isn't fun
And wake up feeling guilty
For things I haven't done
(Yet)
I looked in my kitchen cupboard
Scared for what I'd find
It was only flour and sugar
And an old oak pepper grind
It isn't always like that
In fact it's never been
My cupboard full of skeletons
I don't eat but I'm not thin
I dreamed my fingers 12 inches long
I had no fingernails
There's always something missing
Always. Never fail.
I dreamed that I was dying
And I didn't wake up dead
I was being sacrificed
For things I haven't said
(Yet)
I dreamed of strangling a man to death
And did not wake up in sweat
It's not the things I've done that scare me
It's dreaming of the (Yet)

You Know It 11/14/88

Sitting at my friends house
Drinking beer and
Thinking of you
Wonderin if you were drinkin
Somewhere else and
Thinking o f me too
Thinking about your words
When I'd say snide things
And how you looked
(Because you just wouldn't)
Say anything bad
Even if it was your heart I took
Your hair falls in your face
When you are drunk
Thinking of your eyes blue
I part hair with my hands
Look into your mind
You are thinking of me too
The skin of your white neck
Waits for the touch of parted lip
I touch the small of your back
You wonder why
You've lost your grip
Your tongue enters my mouth
I draw a blank
And so do you
How come you don't realize
What it is that
You have to do?
I want to be with you
Each and every time
Your hair is in your face
I may not be thinkin straight
But do you recognize
All of my grace?
I'll wander into your
Room one night late
When I am drunk
And tell you all I've felt
And see if you have ever
Thought what I thunk
Pull back all the covers
And make you warm
All by myself alone
You will feel totally full
And my touch will
Make you groan
I'm sorry if I'm blunt
Straightforward guy
Hope you don't mind
But ever since I found you
I have all but lost my mind

Cross - Declaration - Section - 11/15/88

I am a serf
a serb
a smurf
Broken leg on astroturf

I am a knave
a slav
a slave
Skin the bear inside the cave

I am a knight
in spite
of might
Slash your throat to further right

I am a king
a ming
a ring
I fear what the Magna Carta brings

I am just a man I am just a man
Not high, nor grand Not high, nor grand
But look at me But look at me
Now take my hand Now take a stand

Elect/React 11/14/88

God we really need LBJ
To whip us into shape
No one gives a shit anymore
They cheer the NRA
Lyndon would grab our ears
And bellow with his rage
Texan get us out of here
Pull us through this wretched cage
His ears were too big
And he swore an awful lot
But he wasn't afraid to be human
That's better than what we've got

The Cracks Of Nihil 11/10/88

Almost nihilistic but I like your yellow skirt
I think nothing really matters but your eyes are really cool
The link between
You and reality is strengthened
But reality itself is shrinking
Til you're all that I can see
I am wavering in faith but you are shimmering in light
I am strongly atheistic but I still pray for the world
The cracks within
The foundation of this earth
Are being filled with hate
And there are no cracks in hate
Yelling in a field about nothing at all
Yelling in a bedroom about everything
The link between
Reality and you is strengthened
But you yourself are shrinking
Til reality is all I see
Fully nihilistic - is that yellow, black or red?
I know nothing really matters - you've got colored contact lenses
There is no link
Between you and me and
The cracks within our minds are filled with hate

Have It All 11/13/88

Your hair is falling over your face again
And I can see you smile wide
And you get angry with me
Whenever I say something snide
So I edit myself and I hold my tongue
I try not to let things slip
Your hands wrapped tight around that beer
Honey, gimme a sip
Playing hi-lo-jack, listening to The Clash
I bid four and let you call
But the Jack of Hearts wasn't out that hand
So I couldn't have it all
Have it all
Trump card, guitar strings, and Pinter plays

Remember (Ticket Stubs) 10/23/88

I went to the movies only last night
But I don't remember what I saw
I was with that girl with the long blond hair
Whose beauty breaks all law
And then we sat upon the rocks and drank champagne
She gave my neck a rub
So even though the movie wasn't all that great
I kept the ticket stub
I'll remember
I'll remember
When the water drains out of my life's tub
I'll have that ticket stub
We went and saw a play together
Y'know one of those modern things
The leading man didn't have a hand
And the telephone never rings
But she crossed her legs and looked at me so shy
And I thought - Aye, where's the rub?
I fell asleep during the second act
But I kept that ticket stub
I'll remember
I'll remember
I could lose my mind in a foreign pub
But I'll have that ticket stub
I was looking through her souvenirs
When my stomach took a plunge
And my heart which had been oh so clean
Was dirtied by this grunge
I died a thousand deaths right then
And I knew she had been mean
Inside her drawer were ticket stubs
From films I'd never seen
I'll remember
I'll remember
Like a steaming bullet in a baby cub
I kept that ticket stub

Hurry Up And Wait 10/18/88

High time for anyone to speak out
The times call for courage NO FEAR
The low-road is damn well trod
The overwhelming message is perfectly clear

Hurry up and wait it'll all get done
With divine intervention and a ray of sun
But the ozone layer recedes more each year
Aerosol cans can hold my fear
Oliver North is a hero to some
With his blindness, kindness, Patriot Eyes
Dow Chemical gives lots of jobs
And acid rain falls from the skies

Hurry up and wait you'll see it all revealed
Politicians do the work you don't need to get involved
Well, if you'll let Edwin Meese do work for you
I'm sure our problems will be oh so few
Hurry up and wait we'll see it very soon
Mt. St. Helen is on the rise again
She'll cover us all and we will rise anew
Tear the politicians down with sword or pen

Dangers Of The Sun 10/22/88

Dad protects the photos
With an acid talking tongue
But he can't protect the girl
From the dangers of the sun
Boyfriend battles challengers
To his sacred female one
But his thrashings can't protect that girl
From the dangers of the sun
Sister asks the girl to speak
And she's sick of everyone
Just give me the truth I'll be forever free from
The dangers of the sun
Beach blanket facing upward is
A sign of summer fun
But those painful peeling blisters
Pointedly reveal
The dangers of the sun
There's danger in those rays
Tho you might not realize
We now approach those days
When we see the truth behind the lies
The truth behind
The danger in the sun

Undertow (Pulling) 08/18/88

I touch the small of your back
Your sigh rises to me
As stars rise at night
already there
but seeming to rise anyway

I touch the crevasse between
Your eternal shoulder blades
Your moan jumps to me
as the inevitable moan
(it can't be stopped)
of clouds smashing against each other

I touch the shoreline of your hair
Waves of hair, rushing against my cocoon
As the undertow of your lips
(they pull me and pull me)
(towards you)
Washes away my bitter fear
And destroys walls of self-importance

I touch these pulling lips
With fingertips of spent ink
And contained emotion -
Let forth by your healing skin -
(here and now will stop)
(This is important)
(This is important)
My soul reaches for your pulling lips
And finds salvation

Pillow Talk 05/19/88

If you were livin underneath my pillow
Maybe you'd hear the things I have to say
And maybe if you were here tonight
I'd convince you to stay until the day
But you aren't living underneath my pillow
If you were we might be together now
My pillow knows all that I think of you
But my pillow doesn't have the least idea how
To kiss you like I wanna kiss
To hold as I can hold
To miss you when you go away
My pillow can't do any of these things
But my pillow can act like a bartender
Listen to all I say and agree
My pillow never tells me that I'm wrong
It never ever sees what I don't see
If you heard the things that pillow hears each night
I could throw my pillow out and start anew
Because each night my pillow hears this song
And all the things I say that I meant to say to you
To kiss you like I wanna kiss
To hold as I can hold
To miss you when you go away
Myself I can't do any of these things

Toda-ays Ladybug 06/03/88

I'm feelin' a little temperamental
Toda-ay
Doin things a tad different
Toda-ay
Goin after ladybugs
With a butterfly net
And hopin that the ladybugs don't mind
Butterflies are boring
And they look too much like moths
Tryin to be a rebel
Toda-ay
I'm feelin kinda funky down
Toda-ay
Bein a little hot-crazy
Toda-ay
The ladybugs fit through the holes
In that net for butterflies
But one of them decided he would stay
Ladybugs are cool
I mean, they'll land right on ya
They are the rebels
Toda-ay
They'll walk right up your finger
Toda-ay
Tickle the hair on your arm
Toda-ay
Any other bug who tried some shit like that
Would be killed on the nearest rock or tree
Somethin different bout the ladybug
Coz they do just what they please
I wanna be that rebel ladybug
Today

Embrace Things Past 05/02/88

Grate is dripping
Water down
To the tile floor below
Slides under the door
Onto the rug
Stains the sock upon the toe

Immediate sen-
Sations do not
Seem to hold or last
Ignore the present touches
To your skin - embrace things past

Irish Harlem
1890
Big band claims the beat
Dancing men
1930
Shoeshine claims their feet

Immediate sen-
Sations do not
Seem to hold or last
Ignore the present touches
To your skin - embrace things past

Lover as scorn
Leaves today
Takes a jet plane far away
Kiss anothers
Lips to my
Chagrin I'll never say

Immediate sen-
Sations do not
Seem to hold or last
Ignore the present touches
To your skin - embrace things past

Suicide dons
A cap of lead
Upon a boy so young
Weighing him down
Coil of death
So tight - so tightly strung

Immediate sen-
Sations do not
Seem to hold or last
Ignore the present touches
To your skin - embrace things past

Innocent Little Sister -5/14/88

You hear my footsteps on the wooden floor
Smell the alcohol on my breath
Feel my kiss on your sleepin cheek - sister
Wonder if I mean what I say - I mean it
You are the whole world to me
I'd die before I'd let you die
I'd embrace a full ragin flame for you
And not even think to ask you why
You see me start the car up loud
You hear me say, "I don't want to play"
But when it comes down to the bottom line
For you - any game in any way
Sleep has made your cheeks red with heat
And the sweat of summer naturally flows
Seein you is hard to take
Containin my love for you is tough coz it grows
And grows and grows
Siobhan sleep easy on your soft little bed
Keep the world from goin to your head
Keepin innocence is hard I know
What's even harder is for me to let you go
Tuck that blankie up under your chin
You try to refrain from suckin' your thumb
Keep the blankie as long as you want
Childhood lasts til the thumb is numb
I love
Your innocence
I envy your youth and I would die for you

A Little Worry 05/14/88

I'm havin a little worry
Bout the job I hold right now
Go to school and study hard
But will it do me good in the end?
I'm havin a little worry
Bout goin all the way for the first time
Body says it's all right hey
Mind holds back - hope you don't mind
I'm havin a little worry
Bout my friends and our strength
Don't see you for six months
Do ya mean as much now as you did then
I'm havin a little worry
Bout my sisters and things like sex
I won't 'em to have it but not that much
Don't enjoy it or I'll have to kill your beau
Worry about my hypocrisy
Make you love me but don't love you
Love me a bunch you want to make love
Don't love you enough so find someone else
Don't understand why I worry
it's a physical action - why all the fuss?
Still have a little worry yes I do
Part of me says no - part says I must
I'm havin a little worry
My brains don't listen to the guitar
If my brains listened at all
I'd probably be able to quit my job

66 Kenyon Ave 02/12/87

She's gone - I can't help her anymore
She's gone - There's nothin I can do
I'm not sure if she wanted the help anyway
She's gone and I feel helpless
I wish that she'd helped me instead
I'm not gonna wait for her
There'd be too much water under the bridge
But now you're here and I wish she was
She's gone, she's gone, and I'm useless
She's gone, I'll only hurt you til she returns
But she won't so I'm stuck again
She's gone, she's gone, she's gone
She's gone, she's gone, she's gone
But you're with me while I'm with her
I'm gone, you're gone, we are all gone
I'm gone, you're gone, we are all gone
But she's with me while I'm with you
She's with me no matter who I am with
I wish that she'd helped me instead

So Far Astray 04/15/88

Diary with a plaid cover
Staring back to my brown eyes
Willing me to disclose my thoughts
No matter what the price
What about the keys I have?
On a chain that means so little
They lead to rooms that mean even less
When I stand right in the middle
Pictures from my barren past
Show what my future brings
The negatives are strewn all about
Like a doll tied up in strings
A pack of cards asks my name
But my mouth won't speak aloud
And my wallet gleams ominously
When I speak upon the crowd
Empty can - red, white and blue
Makes my senses reel with shame
Coz I ain't yet twenty-one
Ain't yet received my piece of blame
Argue about who gets the ball to
Play with on the playground
Loser brings the gun in next day
Shoots the winner down
Blood stains the hopscotch game
Throw rock, hop, skip, shoot him down
He deserved to die
Where have we gone wrong?
Shooting up the basketball
Shoot a friend from behind
He doesn't see you coming
He doesn't hear you leave
Where have we gone wrong?
So far astray

High and Mighty 04/15/88

High and mighty full of hope
Wondering on the ways of the past
Hopes are high, might is right
We fall, it rains, now hold me fast
Mighty funny to hope when high
Wondering who I'll be if I ever come down
Hope I'm high coz this isn't mighty funny
And my ears can't pick up a single sound
It's quiet
Up and over down and back
Stop to dig my feet in the sand
Back of school, beat up, over-sexed
I can't it pours let go my hand
Down-trod stoop over stop to drink
Wondering if I was anyone at all
Hope I'm drunk but I know I ain't
High and mighty and about to fall
And everything is too damn loud
Congress bans aid to Contras
Banks told to cut mob ties
Mose Wright said Dar He
Rattlesnakes don't commit suicide
Emmitt Till's bloated face
I ain't so high and mighty now
George Wallace head held high
High and mighty push that plow

Wild 'G' 02/29/88

I held it in my arms, I heard it in my ear - Wild 'G'
I could see it in your face, I could taste it in my beer - Wild 'G'
My heart was open to it but it would not enter me - Wild 'G'
We need to have it in our souls, we need that wild G - Wild 'G'

I watched it walk the streets, I helped to pave its way - Wild 'G'
I gave it breath to live by, I gave it words to say - Wild 'G'
I wanted to be changed by the power of its voice - Wild 'G'
But it was only I who spoke so I really had no choice - Wild 'G'

I ran it down the alleys and past the river wide - Wild 'G'
At the town square it escaped me, as you gave it a ride - Wild 'G'
I loved it as it drove away in your car so fine - Wild 'G'
If I could only catch it, perhaps it would me mine - Wild 'G'

20 years had passed when next I saw your car
Looking just the same yet traveled oh so far
Your face the same as well, your look it had not changed
Due to the Wild G within you and its thoughts so much deranged

Razor Burn And Mirrored Roads 02/25/88

I've seen it all but ain't seen nothing yet
I've been swinging around without a safety net
They more tired my eyes - the more they see
All they view is things that can never be
What do I know about love so grand?
Tears are the cleansers to wash my hands

Fuck that garbage that I just inscribed
It doesn't make sense and it's all contrived
I've had a tough time but I know you have too
And my self-pity will never help you

I've seen nothing and I've seen the whole
I see that heart of mine that she stole
Razor burn and a quick look at the glass
To see you behind me approaching fast
Anger in your eyes and hatred in your voice
I keep my eyes on myself coz you give me no choice
I want to SCREAM as loud as I can
You saw that in me so you turned and ran
I'm so sick of rhyming, I can't even start
To tell you how dumb it makes me feel
You ever walk down a street and feel like IT was
Taking YOU somewhere? Coz I do and I hate it.
It makes me feel like a dog.
The road that is paved with mirrors
Makes for a four-dimensional walk
But you're always stepping on yourself
And it looks like you're standing in mid-air
And it feels like you're in a constant state
Of falling while walking and being in a vacuum
But they don't pave roads with mirrors because
When you sand it in winter it would
Eat away the mirror and who knows
What is underneath
A salted mirrored road
It could be ANYTHING.
It MIGHT be nothing.

Hangover # 48 02/08/88

I felt like total shit
As I rolled right out of bed
The beer I had consumed
Was sloshing through my head
Didn't have no aspirin
Didn't have no tums
People always ask me
Why I run around with bums
I say I don't run around with them
They run around with me
But on the fact that we are bums
With you I will agree

Freedom To/Freedom From 02/09/88

Freedom to or freedom from
Tell me which is the better one?
Do we play it safe or take control?
Do we fight back or play the role?
Freedom to my human rights
But still afraid to go out at night
Freedom to speak just as I please
Danger and misfortune part of the fees
They'll give me freedom from pain and strife
But they also have the right to take my life
They'll keep me safe, there'll be no risk
They'll shoot me down if I raise my fist
Freedom to or freedom from
Tell me which is the better one
So tell me sir which do you prefer
The way thing's'll be or the way they were?
And tell me ma'am what do you put first?
A right to be the best or your chance to be the worst?
Freedom to or freedom from
That day of choosing is soon to come

Escape 02/08/88

I put my hand on your hand
And nothing will be right from this point on
You looked right through my eyes
Into the future which you had no right to see

And we can't escape no matter how we try

Your thoughts come easy to me
I can read them when I sleep or dream or cry
But that doesn't help me now
Coz if you won't tell them to me I can't learn

And we can't escape no matter how we try

I make no sense to you now
Neither will I make sense down the line
I looked through your devices
Which I refuse to ever let you work on me

And we can't escape something we can't see

I put my hand on your hand
Which means nothing even though I think it should
We looked at each others souls
Now I can never ever look at you again

Baby, I can't escape someone I can't see
And we won't win no matter how we try

Domination: Weakness, Fear 02/02/88

Domination: weakness, fear
Domination: weakness, fear
Grind my skull, grind it down
Weakness can be prayed on
Prayed on when it's found
Take your pride, take it far
Dominate to reduce
Reduce you by and large
Chatter teeth, teeth won't quit
Domination: weakness, fear
In my abode do sit
Domination: weakness, fear
Domination: weakness, fear
Fear is in my pocket
In my pocket safe and sound
My fear of you is prayed on
Prayed on when it's found
Domination in my pocket
Weakness on my back
Fear sits in my pocket
And draws me all in black

Punchbowl: Heart Of Coal 01/31/88

On Punchbowl Trail I left
My heart wrapped up in coal
The match that you set under me
Could never make me whole
It was warm and it gave light
But my frost could not resist
To melt would be to lose myself
In your eyes and their bright mist
I close my eyes to keep from crying
And I still can see you there
You are to me the spots you see
After glimpsing at a glare
The sun can do this to you
Just like a lamp or light
And your vision in my head remains
Even through the black of night
In my sleep I touch you
With my hands that are so cold
You shiver to try to make me warm
With your dreams as yet untold
On Punchbowl Trail my breath
Blew out the fading match
I picked up my heart of coal
Put it back and closed the hatch
You looked on as I locked it up
My eye cried a tiny tear
I had not shut if fast enough
So now I still see you standing here

Breakdown At The Combine 01/28/88

Breakdown at the combine
Dozer plowing through the grass
Tubes and wires pull me down
The fog it rolls in fast
Dust is running through my veins
Chain link wrapped round my head
My fingertips are rusting
But I still am bleeding red
Shakeup at the combine
Bottom to the top
Power over mice and men
The green light makes me stop
The dam is being broken
By the strength of water flow
And now my heart is open
But I don't know where to go
Break down the combine
But it only is dispersed
Break it down shake it up
But it only will get worse
To get away I drive my car
But I have to shift and turn
The machine takes me to the combine
I guess I'll never learn

My Friend Chris 05/07/87

My friend her name is Chris
She sits just like this
Her foot is on my knee
For most of biology
When we went to the zoo
We looked at the big gnu
And then we fell asleep on the bus ride home
We hung out at the beach
My thoughts were out of reach
I fell asleep and she took the bus away - god damn
She drives a Mexican car
It don't go very far
She gives me gum and pens
And we are the best of friends
But her car broke down and I had to drive her home
She's pretty as can be
She puts her foot up on my knee
We cheat on all the tests
And we both do our best
To stay awake until our bus comes home

New Year's No. 2 12/31/87

Let me say exactly what I came here to say
I know I can't be the way you want me to be
My attitude is awful I admit but I can't resign myself
To admitting my own faults
What is wrong with the way I speak and think
I can't believe my audacity, I will not stop to drink
Something is my creed I cannot find what it is
But my shoulder calls too and I anger at your fear
Fuck the future and the past as well
I cannot deal with my present so i can't
continue with my rewards and be pure to you
And stand tall and do well on the last college boards
Go away before I tell you all I have done
Don't crave my presence
Because I really want to run

New Year's No. 1 12/31/87

There is nothing within my mind that equals my feelings for all
of you
And I know that my brain can't understand exactly what to
do
I wonder where my soul is and where my heart is too and I
know that I can't change anything and I can't get through
to you
Corduroy sliding against my heart so angrily and my lips
Can't express the pain that my arms love so much
Plaid thoughts rage through my mind on this New Year's day
As I wallow through the thoughts that I'll never get to say

Happy Birthday 01/10/87

So many thoughts run through my mind
As I think of you this day
That's the reason I'm writing this down
There's too many of them to say
It seems so funny - it's over a year
Since I met you long ago
And I still don't know anything I should
But I just have to let you know
That if there is anything I can do
I'll do it - then do more
Because you're the one who helped me know
I shouldn't doubt what I am for
You understood all my failings
When no one else would
You showed me that relationships
Might really end in good
My confidence was the thing
You returned to me so fast
And showed me that my future
Did not have to be my past
That is all I have to say
And I guess it's just as well
But it is most important for me to say
Happy Birthday Kel

More Than I Could Leave Behind 01/05/88

I'm gonna talk to you about the way we've been
But what I'd like to know is what we're gonna be
Are you gonna be my girlfriend or my friend?
Or will we just end up being only enemies?
Think about the times we used to have
And songs playing in my head when I talked to you
Think about you in all the pictures we took
And dancin to the songs in my head when I was in your room
I was at my best when I was hangin with you
And now I just don't know where I stand
I know I ain't at my worst but really what can I do
When I'm in love I'm just a boy I ain't no man
I think I oughta talk about the way you make me feel - yeah
Because that is what matters in the end
The lines that come out of my heart are always real
And you & me together always seemed to be the perfect blend - yeah
Give me just one more minute of your time
I only got one more thing that I got to say
I always feel I'm waiting but I ain't gonna do that here
And I really don't know any other way
So take my hand and come with me if you dare - yeah
And I'll try try try to take you everywhere - yeah
But if you feel you can't then I don't mind - no
Coz you gave me more than I could leave behind
If you feel you can't than I don't mind - no
But you are more than I could ever leave behind

Double Yellow Birdbath 12/26/87

The bums across my town
Are interesting guys indeed
They walk around and yell at things
That can't talk back to them
Extracting wisdom out of the
Telephone pole there
Wondrin' why it gave you bad advice
Double yellow line down the middle of my yard
See the bum resting on my
Birdbath made of gold
Thinking that something
Must be wrong with my thoughts
Coz I'm relating to the bums across my town
Put coins into the slot to
Make important calls
Press the coin return
And get a nickel extra back
And know that once again I can't get the dough
Looking down I see that my
Beard has grown a lot
Covering the shirt I wear each day
The bums across my town
Are interesting guys indeed
Come with us, come and join our creed
Lifestyles of the Salvation Army
A lamp post is my friend
The day that I was born was the
Beginning of the end

I Sense 12/24/87

Near the end
I sense my problems
I can face them if I try
I can see both
Front and back now
But my eyes are trained on you
My life has been
Nothing short of
Looking elsewhere for some help
But now I can't
Help myself again
Help me please if you will
The gift you gave me
Touched me deeply, girl
I'll use it just as much as I dare
Near the end
I sense your presence
I can face you if I try
You can see me
For who I am now
But my eyes can't face you eye to eye
I laugh it off
Nothing short of
Rudeness in the face of God
Near the end
I sense my problems
Solving them will not be hard
Coz I've got
My heart so full
Of joy that I can't lose

Straightforward 11/15/87

Straightforward message
Straightforward sin
Straight toward trouble
Look at the trouble I'm in
I'll be straightforward
I'll lay it on the line
I got nothing to say to you
Except you should be mine
But why - why am I saying this
In a stupid little song
I should tell you to your face
So you could tell me I was wrong
How many times do you hear that rhyme?
I'm sick of it myself
But nothing else comes to mind
Cliche it all to death
Straightforward boy
Straightforward girl
Straightforward love
Give it all a whirl
Whirl whirl whirl
Straightforward girl
With a ponytail
Straightforward curl
I mentioned all my troubles
I guess I ain't got lots
I try not to wallow
But I got more than you got
So there

Waiting For 12/09/87

Waiting for the day when we will all take a stand
Forget the consequences and get out of the frying pan
If you're afraid of fire I will help you fight the flame
Then I'll know that I have tried and not avoided blame

Waiting for a time when I can love you better still
Forget my inhibitions I've got an empty heart to fill
If you're afraid of love I'll try to rid you of your fear
But damn it I can't help you if you won't let me near

Waiting for my strength which I feel will never come
Forget the things I've seen, try not to let them make me run
I'm afraid of staying but I feel this is a must
I really hate to fight but I will fight to keep your trust

Waiting for myself to stop giving in on everything
Forget the consequences just to go out and play and sing
I'm afraid of trying coz it's imprinted on my brain
That creating and performing are reserved for the insane

Waiting for my fears to stop and for my lift to start
Forget what people do and say and do what's in my heart
I am now afraid to lead I'd rather let myself be led
And my hate of your oppression turns my rosy cheeks to red

The Path Of My Return 11/30/87

Kissin by the light out of your car
Askin myself why we're where we are
And knowing that we shouldn't be this way
I guess I'm pretty drunk but that's no excuse for this
Bodies relate, minds do not, in this alcoholic kiss
And I know we will feel awkward in the morn
Take advantage of your innocence and youth
The alcohol it brings a fecund truth
The reality smacks upside the head
I'll call you up real soon
I say by the light of moon
I'll look up your # so please give me your name
No strings are attached but I dance like a marionette
And my arms are feeling tired from a dance not done quite yet
And the puppeteer is angry with my step
The path of my return
Is checked with things I haven't learned
The path leads in, then out of your front door
Truly I regret my actions could I take them back
But I expect too much from you, to lift me back on track
And your feelings for me will not break your heart
The path of my leaving is the same as my return
Picking up too late on things that I could have learned
I realize them as I run through your door
And I now know that I am
Never to return

This Time 10/28/87

So many things run through my mind
This time
I've got confusion in my step
This time
And I want to do something that might help
This time
But it seems that its all been done before
This time
I wish there had never been
This time
And I will never forget about this time
So - come on
With me
To a place where there is never any need
Hop on
My back
I'll carry us away from all this greed
Come on - give me your hand
And we'll make it right
This time
But this time I feel empty
Its all been washed away
Affecting me less and less
So take me as you may
This is different from any other time
This time

A Twisted Admission Of Guilt 10/18/87

I watch as the comb runs
Thru your silken hair
And I'm catching all the strands that lfy
So high into the air
And now they are catching me
To save me from my fall
Slipping thru their grasp
They do not help at all
Pity on the broken window pane
That shows me what you do
Punish oh the scoundrel
Make him fix the window new
The rugs are spitting gossip
Into my fractured ear
And the walls laugh so hard
With their ever present sneer
Go you now and tell
All that you have heard
I'll be gone when you return
Oh now don't be so absurd
The writing on my shoe
Tells me that she is lost
Writing from my pen
Says press on at any cost

Buses Round The White House 09/21/87

Buses round The White House
Cutting off our impassioned pleas
President don't talk to you
He don't like what he sees
Blood like dye in water
Colors the Reflecting Pool
And I gasp as clubs are beating
I've become the nation's tool
Veterans of Vietnam
Generation of slaves
Priest in Northern Ireland
Filling empty graves

Tinted windows
White House turned to black
Get aboard the bus, boy
You won't be coming back

Picket signs are carried
Like clubs in angry war
Protesters losing sight of things
That they've been fighting for
Bloody battles fought
By men who cannot drink
Make them kill a man
Then vomit in the sink
Born on Independence Day
Future bright as gold
See my battered face
In the shiny metals that I've sold

Tinted windows
White House turned to black
Get aboard the bus, boy
You won't be coming back

5 O'Clock Bath 10/13/87

I am not myself now
Sitting in this room
I am someone else now
Wallowing in gloom
Tears are falling from my eyes
Onto your open wounds
Will I leave you here for dead
A curse upon your tomb
Ulcer eating up my mind
Burping out my ear
You can knock me all you want
No one will be here
Here are my frustrations
Smashed upon your nose
Standing in the shower
To wash my dirty clothes
Drug induced hysterics
Lovely in their glee
Don't ever want to come back down
You might not talk to me
Splish splash I was takin' a bath
When I slipped onto the floor
One two three four five o'clock rock
And I'm sliding out the door

Don't Give Me That 10/08/87

Show me your ideas
Pick one out of a hat
Give me all your money
Just don't give me that

Don't give me that, don't give me that
Bullshit from a piece of shit - just don't give me that
God damn - you want a rhyme?
I'll do it double time
Just please don't ever give me none of that
I've got no patience now
So please don't tell me how
To run my life I don't want none of that

Show me your ideas
Pick one out of a hat
Give me all your money
Just don't give me that

Give me nothing at least not that
Buddy boy my buddy boy just don't give me that
Pretty boy fly by night
Nothing ever right
And I just don't want to hear any of your shit

Show me your ideas
Pick one out of a hat
Give me all your money
Just don't give me that

Company Town 09/28/87

Walkin on a turnpike
Please don't let me down
Coz I don't wanna live in no company town
Got a Marlboro sign
Tattooed on my chest
Not a name on my arm
But I'm still the best
Football team won the city crown
But I don't wanna live in no company town
A vote don't mean nothin'
Without my pride
If you got room in the cab
I'll just hop inside
Everyone wears only black and brown
And I don't wanna live in no company town
Who should I call
When I got no phone?
Talk to myself
When I'm all alone
Brown shirt hangs
Over my chest
A name on my arm
Like all the rest
Pass me on the turnpike
I'll be wearing that frown
Coz I'm gonna die in this company town
I'll live forever in this company town
I'm gonna die in this company town
I'll live forever in this company town
It's all the same in a company town

Memories Seem Like Nothing Sometimes 09/27/87

Well deep in my mind
There lurks a memory of you
And it's telling me that
There is something I couldn't do
I know I had my chance
And lost it soon after that
But I am swearing to myself
That that won't hold me back

Coz memories seem like nothing sometimes
Memories seem like nothing sometimes
Memories seem like nothing sometimes

You and I both know that
I really did you wrong
But memories always appear
Just where they don't belong
I hesitate because I don't know
If you feel the same
But I also feel somehow that
Circumstances take the blame
The tables have been turned
With you not needing me
And me trying to cope with what
My memory can't see

Coz memories seem like nothing sometimes
Memories seem like nothing sometimes
Memories seem like nothing sometimes

Progress seems to show
With every memory in tow
And following my heart is easy now
Strive on feet of glass
To outrun approaching pasts
And balance is the key to knowing how

This Aching Heart Of MIne 09/22/87

The people all have teeth
That gnash away like knives
And I feel the wounds inflicted
On this aching heart of mine
Words like acid searing
Into my virgin skin
Silence is the flame
Of your eternal sin
Step after step of pain
Is what I have to climb
Bottom, middle, top I see
This aching heart of mine

Stonewall (Early)

I climb the stone wall
To get to the other side
I climb the wall
To receive a free ride
I've reached the peak
When I reach the wall
Now I must make sure
That I don't fall
The people here
Cannot relate
Your feelings and mine
Will have to wait
To get over the wall
Will satisfy
Take pressure off of me
No need to wonder why
After I get over
It'll be your turn
Then you must try
To fight and to discern
Discern exactly what is there
And if it'll help you get anywhere

Subject To Change 09/16/87

In this world of ceremony
With little substance found
Distribute the wealth
To all those college bound
Don't know how to work
Just know how to spend
Don't know how to give
Sure know how to lend
Shake them to their senses
But I feel a futile rage
Sticks & stones scratch their Camaros
But they aren't subject to change
In this world of little murders
That happen every day
Little people you & me
Dying each and every way
Scuba diving, hand gliding
Morning noon and night
Indians on reservations
See you flying through the night
Tecumseh saw the Promised Land
And the Prophet saw the way
We blinded them with liquor
They're blinded to this day

A Drunken Eagle 02/10/88

Talking and eating with friends and the such
Never thought that we would amount to much
Laughing at the grinding and the shifting of the clutch
Isn't it sad that we've grown out of touch

Can you see my wings?

Walking to the store when I was twelve years old
Buy myself a soda that was always cold
Never holding to promises that we told
Now I've got this heavy soul that I've got to hold

Don't you see my wings?

Is it only in my brain or are we losing ground
Only kings of yesteryear were ever crowned
But that's all lost never to be found
Just like our innocents that we bury down town

Getting drunk for the first time seemed like such a thrill
Or smoking up pot then eating to our fill
But then I start to wonder an I wonder still
I have seen it murder, I have seen it kill

Look at my wings

I am drunk as I write this so it may be absurd
When you think about all the things that you just heard
I wish that I could say that I was free as a bird
And the alcohol helps coz the bars are all a blur

I can't see my prey because I'm up so high
And my wings begin to falter as I think of things gone by
I am still an eagle but I now begin to cry
It's so cold up here the tear is frozen in my eye

My claws do not hold fast as I perch upon the limb
Fog, snow and pollution have made my landscape grim
I see the hunter come as the sun grows very dim
I scream that I'm an Eagle but that doesn't hinder him

That He Loved Her 04/16/89

She met him at a party just a couple weeks ago
They hit it off right from the very start
And she dreamt of him that night you know
With a deep longing in her heart

The next time she saw him it was at the super mart
And they talked and talked in a lovely banal chatter
It was painful when they finally had to part
And she began at last to feel that she would matter

Now these two chance encounters brought silence to the clatter
That had so long occupied her story and her time
She'd get comments that would not hurt - indeed, even to flatter
Her confidence once so low began to climb

She was extremely beautiful, it was spring and she was prime
And she knew somehow that she would see him soon
Finally she felt clean she had washed away the grime
And at last she saw the gleaming glowing moon

Today she walked into the park and heard a crazy crying loon
And she saw him past the slide and at the swing
Through her head ran a bouncy funny tune
That Van the Man loved and used to sing

She walked towards him happily - didn't notice anything
She smiled at him hopefully and he looked the other way
As he tried his best to hide his child and his ring
And think of anything that he could try to say

She saw him at the store one year later to the day
And he watched her start to sob and start to cry
He said without feeling, "Let's just be friends, ok?"
So she sobbed again and then she asked him why

He couldn't answer her and so she began to go
He grabbed her quickly but of course he didn't try
To kiss her coz then she'd be sure to know

That he loved her

Crown of Doldrums 04/16/89

He had a five o'clock shadow - it was barely ten
He could figure what he did - just couldn't figure when
The one thing he was sure of - he'd never see her again
'Coz she was in his cellar lying dead

He couldn't remember exactly what it was that she had said
But it got him going real good - he had started seeing red
And the next thing he knew she had badly hit her head
And was sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs

He was gonna try to hide her but he knew they'd find the hairs
They'd have him in the tabloids as the man with Deadly Flair
Besides he felt real bad - didn't think it would be fair
If he got off scot-free and she was gone

He knew he couldn't convince them all that it was he who had been conned
That she had made him crazy with the Crown of Love she'd donned
And he couldn't bear the thought of the child he had spawned
He didn't care how he got out of this - just that he did

So he brought the speeding car of his life to a peaceful skid
And thought about that which he was now so thankfully rid
And the Crown of Doldrums that had so long adorned his id
Coz she was in his cellar lying dead

Repeat Offender Blues (The Petty Thief's Lament) 11/02/87

Lookin thru my magazines
See about your fame
Lookin thru police beat
See about my shame
You always said give me a ring
If ever you're in trouble
I called you up your agent said
She'll be back on the double
He said I could call back
But that was my only call
Lookin thru my records
Hear you singin songs I sing
But I ain't got a turntable
Don't listen to a single thing
They're showin your movie in my cell tonight
While all my cellmates are learnin how to write
So I thought I would ask you
Just to send me a line
And tell me how you hope that
I am doin fine
Coz I ain't got no calls left
And there's nothin I can do
I'll have to skip your movie
To learn how to write to you
He said I could call back
And I heard you tell him no
Thru the bars I see
A billboard with your face
Shooting down my dreams each morning
As I get up to shave
I'll see you baby pretty quick
Soon as I get an appeal
But I've got KP tomorrow
And the warden won't cut a deal
Turn off the TV sitcom sir
Because she always laughs at me
It's a pretty funny show they say
Something I just don't wanna see
When I get out of here my girl
Your star'll be plastered on that street
And I'll come by and stomp on you
With my shoeless blistered feet
He said that I could call you back
I could see you running out the door

Tomorrow Turn Today 02/13/89

I'm hummin this song to myself
Sorry if I seem a little strange
Got my baseball hat on backwards
Sorry if I sing a little out of my range
Just leave me alone for a moment
I'll entertain the whole damn earth
A vinyl record in a CD player
I tell ya - that's what I'm worth
Everything in the world is there
But there doesn't seem to be a way
To make you hear the song I'm hummin
To make tomorrow turn
Today
I'm playing this imaginary guitar
I'm playing it extremely well
My jeans are ripped and my shirt is tight
My eyes say I got something to sell
So if you give me a chance to stand
Your ear right on your ass
I'll make you sit down stand up baby
And your heart will break like glass
But I'm only hypothetical
Rhetorical all the way
I know I can never deliver
What I promised you
Today
The movie that I made in my head last night
Filled with bright lights and dark sounds
Woke me up with tears and a shiver
Coz it went so far out of my bounds
And I smile to myself but never to you
Because I'm afraid that if I see
You smilin back for any reason
You might be laughin at me
So I scream the most important things
To me - but I just get in the way
Because maybe you'd like to hear it
You might like what I've got to say
I can't make tomorrow turn today
Can't deliver that promise today
But you might like what I've got
Like what I've got to say
Today