I Aspire To Godliness (early 1990's)

I aspire to godliness
Since tricycle days,
I have begged for more

I aspire to godliness
Since the day I sensed
That my father was a human being
And my mother just a saint
And I their mutant, Irish-Catholic flower child of god
Who would be their only son
As well as their fourth daughter

I aspire to godliness
Since that Sunday morning
When I cursed Father Creedon with a teen's
Singular self-importance, pity, and rage
And woke up dreaming of a man
Named Jim Jones

I was dryly masticating the wafer that is their lord
Longing for a drink of that wine
But being afraid that it will transport me to Guyana
And knowing I was too young to drink it anyway
I was still in my bicycle days

I aspire to godliness
Since I knew that hazy boy
Who chewed his own bullet
Looking for the questions
To which he already knew the highly unsatisfactory answers
And tried to liven up the first act of his life
Without realizing that he'd ended the play

I aspire to godliness
Since I flirted with that man
Because he was flirting with me
And the pit I felt in my stomach
Because I knew I wasn't strong enough to push myself that far
He was disappointed when he saw
The picture in my wallet
Of the girl I plan to marry and he kissed me on the cheek
And said, "I don't mind that you're not gay."

I aspire to godliness
Since I heard the clap and cheer
Because I make you feel things even I don't feel
And you're crying in your seats
Watching me live a life that isn't mine
Falling in love up with the lights
Washing the love away as quick as the makeup
Quicker, because it doesn't take soap
Just my own water
My holy tears

I aspire to godliness
Since I realized that I'll never be William Shakespeare
Or even Jackie Collins
I may not even be richard wilmarth

I aspire to godliness
Since tricycle days
I have begged for more
I have begged myself to believe in God
But I don't
So
I aspire to godliness
Because I'm afraid of a world with no God